mindpollution.org

I set aside some time today to update my “Recent Work” page (as well as drafting some freelance pitches), and while doing so I came across one of the first pieces of writing I did for Metroland, circa 2003. It still made me laugh a bit, and judging by the type of messages that still arrive in my e-mail inbox, it remains relevant. So I thought I’d share it:

You May Already Be a Winner

I’m going to be a millionaire. Close acquaintances of mine in the Nigerian royal family have assured me of this fact. I was the lucky one—the one they chose for their desperate e-mailed plea. They told me that all I had to do was to send them some information about my bank account, and I would receive millions of dollars in unclaimed wealth. The way I see it, opportunities like this only occur once in a lifetime, and even though they informed me of this in broken English, full of misplaced capital letters and bad grammar, how could I afford to be skeptical about such a chance?

I’ve been thinking about how to repay my foreign benefactors, but my finances are in a bit of disarray recently. My bank tells me it has something to do with “questionable withdrawals of a sizeable amount.” Luckily I decided to forward a message from Bill Gates himself to everyone in my address book a month ago. I can count on receiving a $1,000 check any day now, because Mr. Gates has been tracking every person who keeps the message circulating, and rewarding them for their efforts. I hope that I can afford to get the Nigerians something nice, because they seemed to be so thankful about finding someone to help them find a place for their money. It’s like they don’t even realize that they’re also helping me!

At first, I considered sending the Nigerians some of those expensive cookies I read about in an old e-mail message. You see, a lady once tried to buy the recipe for a delicious brand of cookies, and then discovered much later that she had been charged hundreds of dollars more than she had expected to pay. So in order to get even with the company who tricked her, she sent the recipe out to everyone she knew. Unfortunately, I tried to e-mail a message to the Nigerians, asking them if they liked fancy cookies, but they haven’t responded yet. I wish they weren’t so difficult to get in touch with.

I’m sure the Nigerians are probably just having some computer problems, because they’ve neglected to respond to any of my messages in quite a while. Hopefully they didn’t forget to delete one of those bad files from their computers. An e-mail message I received a few days ago told me that there might be a virus on my computer, and if I found a certain file when I ran a certain program, I should delete the file right away. Sure enough, I found it—but I think I was too late, because after I got rid of it, my computer began acting a little funny.

If my check from Mr. Gates doesn’t arrive soon, I guess I can just ask the Nigerians to visit America. That way, I can give them a tour of all my favorite places, and thank them properly. This should give me a chance to use those free restaurant vouchers that I’ve got coming to me. Places like Applebee’s, the Outback Steakhouse, and the Cracker Barrel all promised to send me gift certificates if I forwarded their e-mail messages on to at least 10 other people. So just to be safe, I sent the messages to all of my friends, family, and even my coworkers. I’m sure they would enjoy a free dinner just as much as I would.

Of course, one thing I’m not going to do for the Nigerians is to trade in my collection of aluminum pull-tabs. Did you know that soda companies will pay for one second of time on a dialysis machine for every little metal ring I pull off the top of cans and return to them? An e-mail message alerted me to this little-known fact a few years ago, and since I started telling everyone I know to give me their pull-tabs, I’ve had to set aside an entire room to hold all of little rings I’ve accumulated! I’m going to make someone very happy once I figure out where exactly I’m supposed to send my collection, and now that I think of it, I guess I’m just as generous as the Nigerians—they’ll be quite impressed!

If all else fails, I think I’ll just take the Nigerians to the mall, but I’ll have to be sure not to bring them there on Friday the 13th, Sept. 11, Halloween, or the second Tuesday of each month. Over the last few years, I’ve read so many e-mail messages about people who performed good deeds, and in return, were warned about an upcoming terrorist attack on the mall on one of those dates. Better safe than sorry, right?

Now that I think of it, I can’t even imagine how different my life would be without e-mail. How did I go through my daily routine years ago, oblivious to all of the horrible dangers and amazing opportunities that were just a few keystrokes away? I read a message about a plan by the Postal Service to create a system for charging e-mail users each time they send a message, and I can’t even explain to you how upset it made me. I immediately sent an angry letter to every one of my government representatives, and since I haven’t heard anything more about the plan, it seems as if my hard work paid off. I guess that’s democracy for you!

Well, don’t worry, folks, I won’t let my newfound wealth go to my head. Once I’m a millionaire, I plan on living the same old life I always have, without any dangerous new hobbies. No, you won’t start seeing me jump into pools less than an hour after eating, or going around mixing Pop Rocks and soda—I want to enjoy my millions. I may be the lucky one, but the way I see it, it all stems from one simple fact: I’m nobody’s fool.

—Rick Marshall
Metroland
Aug. 28, 2003