Hurricane Irene is due to hit New York City soon, and from what I can tell, the range of potential results include everything from apocalyptic, civilization-destroying carnage to the entire island of Manhattan sinking into the sea and becoming future generations’ favorite urban myth.
One thing that everyone seems to agree on, however, is the likelihood that during — and certainly after — the hurricane arrives, the city will be filled with roving gangs of looters, savage mutants, and quite possibly a zombie or two.
With that in mind, Jessica and I spent some time today preparing for the mutant/zombie/looter/hipster onslaught, and managed to come up with some useful weapons cobbled together from items found around our apartment. In the interest of keeping our fellow New Yorkers safe (and kicking off the post-apocalypse with a little open-source ingenuity), we thought it would be nice to share them with you now, in the hopes that you’ll share some of your precious supplies with us down the road.
We’d warn you not to try this at home, but when the first wave of hurricane-spawned mutants arrives on your doorstep, anything goes.
1. The “Major Penalty For Slashing” Stick
Needed: Hockey Stick, Knives (and other sharp kitchen utensils), Duct Tape
Description: This one’s pretty obvious, and let’s be honest: I can thank Dead Rising 2 for the inspiration. That means that when the city is overrun with mutants, I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that all those hours of decimating digital zombies weren’t a waste of time after all.
On a side note, if you don’t have a hockey stick handy, you can substitute a broom, mop, curtain rod, or those pieces of your vacuum that you never use. The pizza cutter is vital, though. Don’t forget the pizza cutter.
2. The George Foreman Flaming Flail
Description: While this one works better if you still have electricity (which is doubtful in the post-apocalyptic NYC wasteland), it’s still a handy use for a piece of kitchen equipment everyone seems to own. Make sure to wrap up the grill cord and extension as tight as you can, and when it comes time to use it, give it a few swings for momentum before you wield its health-conscious, fat-reducing destructive power.
Bonus: Swinging the George Foreman Flaming Fail burns 100 calories for every 10 full revolutions.
3. Skate Hands!
Description: Not much to say here. Ice skates + Hands = Fists of Shiny Death!
Feel free to add duct tape if you’re worried about losing your weapons in the midst of a melee with some pesky C.H.U.D.
4. Dual-Purpose Umbrella Knife
Description: When it comes time to venture out of your bunker/apt and forage for supplies among the ruins of what was once our great city, it’s good to be prepared. That’s why we decided to get ambitious and fashion a dual-purpose tool that will keep you safe from the rain and give you some protection from mutants, zombies, and — even worse — whatever the post-apocalyptic version of hipsters turn out to be.
Behold, the UMBRELLA KNIFE!
Okay, so it’s not exactly the greatest protection against the elements, but it’s an umbrella… with a knife! Take THAT, mutant hipsters!
5. Nerf Boomstick
Description: Got a Nerf gun sitting around the house? Got liquor? (Don’t lie. Of course you do.) When it comes to long-range battles, you don’t need to worry if you’re not a gun-owner. You are now. Soak those foam darts in some of your favorite high-proof alcohol (don’t use the good stuff, though – that’s for trading with the nomadic tribes crossing the wasteland), then grab a lighter and let loose the fiery dogs of war!
Helpful Hint: It’s a well-known fact that mutants from Manhattan are afraid of fire, but Brooklyn mutants are drawn to it like moths. Know your mutant before you light up!
So there you have it, folks. Five must-have tools for the coming post-hurricane apocalypse. Stay safe, future residents of the soggy wasteland formerly known as the East Coast… and try to stay dry.